


Broken

by Inspired_looney



Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-02
Updated: 2012-08-02
Packaged: 2017-11-11 06:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/475606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inspired_looney/pseuds/Inspired_looney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How will Craig and John Paul cope when Craig is forced to return to Hollyoaks a shadow of his former self.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Set before Kieron arrived and well before we had a hint of Craig coming back or the sunset ending.
> 
> Thanks to Emily for the beta.

** Broken. **

"Watch your step," the driver said as he helped Craig out of the taxi. Craig swayed but found his balance before the driver let go of him.

Carrying Craig's bag, the driver followed him to the back door of the pub, as Craig hobbled along on his crutches.

"Let me do that," the driver said, taking Craig's keys from him as he struggled to open the door in the dark.

"Thanks," Craig replied quietly, avoiding the man's eyes. He hated the look the driver had given him the entire way there and the tone in his voice told Craig that the driver felt sorry for him. He didn't want anyone's pity. As far as he was concerned everything that had happened to him was his own fault. He would survive, he always did. He didn't need anyone's sympathy, it just made him angry.

Craig's progress up the stairs was hampered by the pain in his recently dislocated shoulder, and the casts on his left wrist and ankle. It was nearly 10 on a Friday night and Craig could hear the hustle and bustle of the pub just beyond the stairs, but he wasn't ready to face anyone. He just hoped the flat would be empty and he could slip into bed unnoticed. He was still trying to come up with a good excuse for the state he was in and why he hadn't called to let them know what happened, but thus far he was coming up empty.

He finally reached the small flat above the pub where he had lived before leaving the previous September to go to university in Dublin, and was pleased to see no-one was home. He could still remember how happy and excited he had been the last time he'd left the small flat. He had been ready to head to Dublin and start a new life with John Paul, but his fears and uncertainties had ruined his chance at happiness. That had been just over eight months ago; eight months and ten days to be exact. It was a day Craig would never forget.

"You gonna be alright?" came the query from his taxi driver, shaking Craig from the memories he had been content to live in.

"Yeah, thanks," Craig replied "keep the change." He said as he pushed some notes into the driver's hand.

Leaving his bag on the sofa, where the driver had dropped it, he stumbled to his bedroom and collapsed on the bed, glad of the rest and the quiet that surrounded him. He still had no idea what he was going to tell people, but that was tomorrow's problem. For tonight, he just wanted to sleep.

*****

Craig was awoken early the following morning by the sounds of his mother screaming as she looked down at her youngest son.

"Hey Mum how you doing?" he asked with what he hoped was a smile, but his face was still so sore and bruised that he wasn't sure if it looked like much of anything.

"Oh my god Craig, are you alright? What on earth happened to you? When did you get here? Why didn't you tell us you were coming?" Frankie bombarded her son with questions as she crossed the room to get a better look at his injuries.

Craig had expected this reaction from his mum, this was just her way. She always had a million questions about everything to do with his life and she had a habit of opening her mouth and just letting them pour out in a torrent. He smiled again as he tried to prop himself up on the bed. He had lain down the previous night, fully clothed, on top of the quilt and had fallen asleep immediately. The combination of the awkward position he had slept in and the cuts, bruises, casts and bandages he was wearing made it difficult and painful to move. He sat up with a grimace as his mother still stared at him, a look of shock etched on her features.

"I'm fine, Mum," he managed to choke out, breathing heavily through the pain as his broken ribs rubbed together. "I had a bit of a disagreement with a flight of stairs," he laughed. He wasn't sure where the words had come from but his mother seemed to believe it. Either that or she was too shocked and worried by his appearance that she hadn't really taken in what he'd said. "I'm really okay," he continued. "Spent a night in hospital in Dublin. They released me yesterday on the condition that I came home where there were people around who could wait on me hand and foot!" he said with a smile.

"You were in hospital and you didn't call?" Frankie yelled. Craig felt his heart pounding. He knew this was hard on his mum; she always wanted to protect him, but the idea of calling her when he was in hospital terrified him. He could've stood the fussing and overprotective bit she'd have done, up to a point anyway, but he couldn't stand the idea of her knowing what had really happened.

"It was one night, Mum." He looked away from her; he couldn't bear to look her in the eye as he lied to her. "They just wanted to make sure I hadn't damaged my brain too much." He looked back as his mum and was slightly frightened by the look of shock on her face. "But you know," he continued, "once they realised I didn't have one to begin with they let me go." He smiled, trying to put his mum at ease by turning the serious subject around and making a joke of it, the way he always did.

Frankie smiled and Craig relaxed for the first time since he'd woken up. He was relieved she seemed to have bought his story, for the minute anyway. She pulled him into a hug and he managed to bite his lip as his ribs protested to the grip she held him in. Despite the pain it was causing, one thing he had really missed was his mum's hugs. Eight months ago he wasn't sure she'd ever hug him again and he was so grateful that she seemed to have accepted who he was and she was his mum again, just like she'd always been. One good thing about getting beaten up, he knew his mum still loved him.

*****

Word that Craig was back spread quickly through the Dean/Osborne family. Almost everyone dropped in to say hi. First was Steph, who started asking how he was, only to somehow turn the conversation round to her relationship and upcoming wedding to Max. Darren was next. As usual, everything was a joke to him but Craig knew that deep down, Darren was an okay guy. He genuinely cared about his friends and family but masked it with sarcasm so they would never really know just how much he cared.

Frankie flitted back and forward all morning. She had restricted Craig to bed rest and was enjoying waiting on him hand and foot. Of course, Craig being Craig (and trying to act normal) took full advantage. First he wanted a cold drink; then it wasn't cold enough; then it was too cold; then he wanted a hot drink. He didn't really want anything, but loved having the opportunity to wind his mum up again.

Jake didn't visit. The official excuse was that he had to look after Charlie whilst Nancy was at college and he didn't want Craig's injuries to scare his son. Craig didn't buy it for a second. He and Jake had talked once or twice after Craig left, but after John Paul, things had never been the same. Craig used to lie on the phone to Jake, telling him about all the parties he was going to and the fun he was having with all the gorgeous women but in truth, he went to his classes, he went to work, he got drunk and he went home. Alone. There had been no-one since John Paul.

Jack was last to come see him after having spent a morning arguing with the brewery. He took one look at Craig, closed the door, sat down and said three little words that filled Craig with fear:

"Who did this?"

Craig had been dreading seeing Jack the most. He had told Craig countless stories of the beating victims he had seen over his years in the police force. Craig had known that Jack wouldn't be fooled with any story but he was determined to stick to his guns.

"I fell down the stairs Jack, plain and simple. No-one else was around, I was drunk, and it was a big flight of stairs." Craig looked him right in the eye, trying to project a calmness that he didn't feel. He knew Jack wasn't buying it and just hoped that he would let it go. Fortunately, he got his wish.

"I've seen enough beatings in my time Craig; I know one when I see one but if you don't wanna talk about it that's fine, for the time being." Jack said softly, patting his stepson's uninjured arm.

They chatted for a while about everything and anything and nothing in particular before Jack went downstairs to open the bar.

Craig had forgotten just how much he enjoyed being home with his family and despite the pain he was experiencing, he had to admit, it was nice to see them. He'd planned to come home multiple times over the last eight months but he'd always cancelled at the last minute, not wanting to chance running into John Paul, whom he still wasn't over. He figured word of his being back and being injured would get back to his former lover sooner rather than later. He just hoped John Paul wouldn't visit. He could lie to his mum and Jack; to Jake and Steph and Darren, but he knew the second John Paul looked at him, with those crystal blue eyes, that he would be lost. He didn't want anyone to know what happened to him and that meant avoiding John Paul, at all costs.

*****

John Paul was having lunch at Il Gnosh with Steve. It was only a third date but he knew Steve liked him. Steve was a nice guy and he wished he felt something, but this was like every other date he'd had in the last eight months: totally pointless. What was the point of trying to date when he was still hung up on someone who couldn't love him back, not publicly anyway.

"John Paul," Steve said, shaking him from his thoughts of Craig. Steve had obviously asked him something but John Paul had no idea what he'd said. He did that a lot these days, - any random thought of Craig and John Paul's brain never stayed where it was meant to be.

"Sorry Steve, was miles away, what did you say?" he asked, a cheeky little grin on his lips. Somewhere along the way he'd learnt that that grin could get him out of almost anything.

"I was asking if you were working tonight or if you wanted to go for a drink?" Steve repeated his query. His eyes fixed firmly on the soft curve of John Paul's lips.

"Not working tonight, we can meet in The Dog? Say seven?" John Paul asked.

"It's a date," Steve replied, getting up from the table. "I need to get back to work," he said casually.

"Okay, I'll see you later," John Paul replied with a smile as he watched Steve walk away.

John Paul knew it wasn't fair to Steve keeping him hanging on. He just kept thinking that if he spent enough time with him, one day there would be a spark, a connection, something to make it worthwhile, but three dates in there was still nothing.

 _Tonight,_ he thought to himself, _if there is no spark by the end of the date tonight I'll break it off._

John Paul tried to remember how many times in the last eight months he'd done this. Gone out with random people, hoping to recreate the excitement he'd felt with Craig, but nothing ever came close.

As he sat, once again lost in his thoughts of the past, he heard Jake and Steph entered the restaurant behind him. They'd mentioned Craig and that had shaken him from his daydream.

John Paul hadn't spoken to Craig since leaving him at the airport. He could still remember that day, clear as anything. He had hoped that Craig would chase after him, profess his love, do anything to make John Paul get on the plane, but it hadn't happened. Since then his only knowledge of his former flame was gleamed from situations such as the current one. He could catch a few little snippets of news when Craig's family were close by and unaware of his presence.

Jake and Steph were arguing as they were seated.

"Come on Jake, he's really banged up, you need talk to him!" Steph said, as her voice broke.

"I did, I called this morning, and he sounded fine!" Jake replied firmly.

"But he's not Jake, he's just outta hospital and he may have to go back in."

"He'll be fine; Craig always lands on his feet."

That was enough for John Paul, he may not be in Craig's life anymore, but he still cared about him, and he had to know what was going on. He got up quickly and, bypassing Jake and Steph's table, he slipped out of the restaurant and headed to The Dog. He could have asked Jake or Steph but a confrontation with Jake would take too long. Frankie would tell him the truth, he knew he had to see her, sooner rather than later.

*****

Jack looked up as John Paul threw open the door of the pub. He laughed to himself. It was like John Paul had some sort of sixth sense, telling him Craig was near and that he needed his best friend.

He watched as John Paul did a quick scan of the bar, almost like he was looking for a familiar face, for someone who would not only know what was going on but also talk to him.

Jack felt sorry for John Paul. Things had been so hard on him since Craig left. Jack had watched this boy grow up into a young man and he knew how deeply he had, and probably still did, care for Craig. But that love had destroyed so many of the friendships John Paul had worked hard to build. He had new friends at college, but it seemed to Jack that John Paul was holding something back. Jack recognised the signs a little too well. John Paul was a man in hiding. He was holding onto his heart for dear life, desperate not to let it break again.

Jack smiled in greeting as John Paul spotted him and headed straight over.

"I guess you heard then?" he said? with a smile.

"I overheard Jake and Steph talking, they said something about Craig being pretty banged up, just outta hospital and maybe needing to go back in?" John Paul practically whispered the words, not wanting them to be real.

Jack's heart poured went out to the young man in front of him. The look in his eyes and tone of his voice said more than words ever could. He was still in love with Craig and was praying that he'd mistaken what he'd overheard. He was staring at Jack with a pleading, haunting look in his eye, silently begging the older man to tell him he had it wrong.

"You should go see him, I'm sure he'd be happy to see you," Jack replied quietly.

"I can't go to Dublin," John Paul said, in a barely audible whisper, a look of despair etched on his features.

Jack smiled at the younger man,

"He's upstairs," he said quietly. "He came home last night."

John Paul was rooted to the spot. Jack could tell he wanted to see his lover, his friend, his soul mate, but something was stopping him.

"Don't think about it John Paul," Jack started. "Just go!" he said firmly. He knew John Paul well enough to know he was currently over-analyzing the situation, unsure of what he should say and do and what Craig's reaction would be. He also knew enough to know that if they didn't see each other, both would regret it.

John Paul turned to the door separating the pub from the flat above, a look of determination on his face. He started slowly, with unsure footsteps. Jack watched him go, wondering what twists and turns this love story was going to take next.

*****

John Paul's mind raced as he walked up the stairs to the flat above the pub. He couldn't believe he was going to see and speak to Craig for the first time since he'd walked out of the airport and out of his life. He faltered slightly, unsure of what he would say and what he would do when he saw Craig again. But the thought of Craig lying just a few feet away, hurt and needing comfort spurred him on.

He knocked quietly on the door, his hands shaking with the fear of the unknown. There was no reply, so he knocked again and slowly pushed the door open.

Frankie was lying on the sofa, looking drained and tired. He guessed she'd been running around after Craig since he arrived home and it had worn her out. She was sound asleep and he quietly moved past her to Craig's room.

His heart was hammering in his throat as his knuckles connected with the door. Again there was no answer. John Paul stood, unsure what to do. He wasn't Craig's friend or boyfriend anymore, he couldn't just walk into his room unannounced. There was a war going on inside his head. He shouldn't go in without being invited but he knew if he left, he may never have the courage to come back.

He took a deep breath, knocked a little louder this time and immediately pushed the door open.

He took one look at the broken body lying on the bed in front of him and stopped in his tracks. His breath caught in his throat as he took in the sleeping sight of his former boyfriend.

"Oh my god, Craig," he whispered. "What the hell happened to you!" he said as he finally moved forward, approaching his friend.

Craig was lying on his back, dressed in grey shorts and a blue t-shirt. His broken leg was propped up on a pillow and his right arm was strapped firmly to his chest, rising and falling with each rasping breath. His face was just recognisable under the cuts and bruises.

John Paul sat down on the edge of the bed, next to his friend. He wanted to touch him, to provide some measure of comfort, but he was scared of hurting him further. John Paul had always wanted to protect Craig, to keep him safe from the big bad world, but watching him now, he looked small and scared and broken. John Paul just wanted to hold him and tell him everything would be alright.

John Paul jumped back as Craig suddenly started coughing, holding his ribs, scared he may have inadvertently hurt his friend.

*****

Craig had stirred when John Paul sat on his bed. He breathed slowly until a familiar smell hit him. He'd assumed the weight on his bed was his mum but he'd recognise that scent anywhere. He breathed it in again, deeper this time, wanting to savour the memories it invoked and make sure his mind wasn't playing tricks on him, telling him his love was there when he wasn't. His sleep filled brain had forgotten the past few weeks and was content to live in the past, but as it awoke, and Craig remembered where he was and why, the thought of seeing John Paul turned from something pleasurable to something painful. 

As the air filled his lungs he started to cough and grabbed for his ribs with his uninjured hand.

As Craig's breathing returned to normal he opened his eyes and turned his head to look at John Paul

Minutes passed and neither of them said a word. They looked at each other as the emotions welled. Craig felt a wide range of emotions in a very short space of time, most all of them contradicting each other.

He was annoyed someone had let John Paul in without asking if it was okay, also for telling John Paul that he was home and hurt. The look on John Paul's face told Craig that although the extent of his injuries was a shock to John Paul, the fact that he was hurt was not.

He was also touched that John Paul came. After the way Craig had treated him, he wouldn't have been surprised if John Paul never wanted to see him again. The part of his brain that was touched just wanted John Paul to put his arms around Craig's broken body, to hold him tight and tell him everything would be okay.

Craig had never been someone who needed somebody else to make him feel safe, but after all he'd been through, he wanted someone there to protect him and to help him fight back. The only question was would he be strong enough to hold onto John Paul, or would the rest of his emotions force him to push John Paul away. The truth was that a rather large part of his brain, blamed John Paul for everything that had happened to him, If John Paul had just been straight, Craig never would have fallen for him and they'd still be the best of friends. He would also never have embarrassed himself in the pub three weeks earlier and never would have ended up where he was now.

*****

John Paul stood watching Craig, unsure what to say. He focussed his attention on Craig's eyes, the same eyes which always melted John Paul's soul, but the look he was getting now did nothing but scare him. He was used to Craig wrestling internally with multiple emotions. Love, Hate, Lust, Passion, Annoyance, Impatience, John Paul had been faced with them all as Craig spent months trying to decipher what they meant. But now there were two overpowering emotions in Craig's eyes and they both shook John Paul to the core. One second he saw fear, he saw his best friend as a scared little boy needing someone to protect him. The next second he saw hatred. Pure, unadulterated hatred, like Craig was ready to kill John Paul at any second. As he stood looking into Craig's eyes, he thought these were not the eyes of the boy he'd known less than a year ago. These were the eyes of a very changed man.

*****

"What happened Craig?" John Paul questioned quietly as he moved forward again.

Craig watched him, unsure what he wanted to say or do. A part of him wanted nothing more than to open up to John Paul and tell him everything, but the thought scared him. He felt like he'd taken one step forward and two steps back. He'd finally admitted, publicly, that he was in love with another man, but that love left him unconscious in a hospital. The thoughts of what he'd been through in the last three weeks hardened him. He was on his own and that was fine with him. He wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for John Paul and he didn't want or need the other man's pity.

"I fell," Craig finally responded to John Paul's query with as much spite as he could muster.

He watched as John Paul physically recoiled at the harsh words. A part of his brain was screaming to stop; to let John Paul in, but that part of his brain was silenced by the taunts and laughter of the men who'd put him in hospital.

"How do you feel?" John Paul asked. Craig could tell he was trying to stay calm; trying not to show how Craig's look and tone was hurting him. Craig was satisfied to see his 'friend' feeling just as much pain as he was feeling, so didn't let up.

"How do you think I feel?" he responded. "I got a broken leg, busted ankle, broken wrist, broken ribs, various cuts and bruises, I dislocated my shoulder, lost my spleen and spent time in hospital with a concussion." As Craig watched John Paul recoil even further from his words, he smiled slightly, not the happy, playful smile that he had always had for John Paul, but a spiteful, hate filled smile, which he hoped conveyed all his contempt for his ex-best friend. "If all that sounds like fun, then I'm just peachy!"

John Paul just stood, a look of shock etched on his face. Craig continued to smile, satisfied that John Paul would leave, and never bother him again.

"If you don't mind John Paul I'm kinda tired," Craig said, painfully turning over to face the wall and closing his eyes as they stung with unshed tears.

He heard the door close as John Paul left and he finally let the tears flow. It had hurt to push John Paul away but it was for the best. He was never going to forget what had happened and he'd never forgive John Paul.

*****

Tears sprang to John Paul's eyes as he closed Craig's door. He stood against it and just breathed. With Craig's cruel words ringing in his ears, he put one foot in front of the other and started to leave the flat.

He walked slowly at first, trying to contain the turmoil of emotions he was feeling. He moved quicker through the pub, desperate to avoid Jack. Once outside he started to walk faster and faster, before breaking into a jog, then a sprint.

Tears tumbled from his eyes as he ran, aimlessly. It wasn't until he found himself in the park that he collapsed against a tree, hugging his knees to his chest as painful sobs racked through his body.

He couldn't understand how Craig could be so cruel. It wasn't anything he'd said particularly; it had been way he'd said it and the look in his eye. He had really looked like he'd hated John Paul, possibly even blamed him for his current situation. He didn't believe for a second that Craig had fallen. Maybe he'd been mugged or he'd been drunk and said the wrong thing to the wrong person and been beaten up because of it. John Paul couldn't count the number of times he'd saved Craig from himself whilst he was drunk. But if he had been beaten up then why did he blame John Paul? Was he mad because John Paul hadn't been there to help, to stop it? Was he still angry with John Paul for leaving him at the airport? For giving up on them and their love? But if that was the case why had he send that txt to John Paul at Christmas? Was he mad that John Paul hadn't replied? Surely considering the mess Craig was in he wouldn't be concerned about something like that?

Discarding most of his train of thought John Paul still couldn't figure out why Craig hated him so much? Craig's injuries were so severe that it must be something quite serious to make him despise John Paul that much. That left John Paul to wonder, had someone realised he'd once loved a man and taken offence to it?

Sitting in the park, John Paul's sobs subsided as realisation set in.

Craig had been gay bashed.

Craig was curled up in bed, tears flowing freely as he remembered the hurt look in John Paul's eyes. He didn't want to hurt the man he loved but at the same time the sight of him made him angry. His attackers had rubbed a picture of the two men in his face while they continued their unprovoked attack. It hurt Craig to think that he'd never be able to look at John Paul again without remembering the pain of that night

He suddenly felt suffocated by the small room. Moving slowly and painfully, he got up, grabbed his wallet, phone and crutches and headed down the back stairs of the pub. He was glad it was the start of summer and pleasantly warm outside, he didn't need to try and find clothes that would fit over his casts. His wallet and phone went into the pockets of his shorts, albeit rather bulkily and he painfully manoeuvred out the back door without being seen.

He hobbled around slowly, face down, avoiding seeing or speaking to anyone. Everywhere he went held memories, mostly of John Paul and as each new memory overtook him, fresh tears stung his eyes. He felt like his life was over. He had no idea how to come back from the hurt and pain he was currently feeling. He didn't have John Paul. He didn't have a life. He had nothing. He couldn't see a point anymore.

Craig had been wondering around for about thirty minutes, the grief and mental anguish he was feeling overshadowed his physical pain, but as he arrived in the park and walked along the river, the pain in his shoulder and ribs over took him. He found the nearest bench and sat down.

He watched as children ran around, playing and laughing. So innocent and free, without a care in the world. He could barely remember being that young and carefree. It seemed like a lifetime ago, like it was someone else's life or a movie he'd watched, not a reality he'd lived in.

He sat and watched as a game of football was started and became envious of the young boys running around, joking with each other and playing a game they all loved. He had once loved to play and felt that the world was his oyster, especially with his best friend by his side. They were going to take on the world, together. But those dreams had died the day John Paul had admitted he was in love with Craig.

Through tear filled eyes John Paul saw a familiar figure slump down on a bench at the other side of the park. His mind filled with confusion and anger and sorrow for his friend as he thought of what Craig must have been through.

He wanted to go and hold his friend, comfort him and tell him that things would get better, that it would get easier. After all, hadn't Craig beaten up John Paul because he was gay? Granted the situation was very different and his injuries were nowhere near as severe as Craig's but still, he had an idea what Craig was going through.

But something was holding him back. Whenever he thought about going and consoling his friend he remembered the look in Craig's eyes during their last meeting. Suddenly the pain and anger he'd seen there made sense. Craig blamed John Paul because if John Paul hadn't been gay, Craig would never have fallen in love with him and would never had been beaten up.

Fresh tears started to roll down John Paul's face as that thought hit home. Craig had been beaten up because of him, it was all his fault!

With that final though, John Paul took one last look at his friend, sitting across the park, looking tired and broken, before getting up and walking in the opposite direction.

*****

Two weeks passed and John Paul did not see Craig again. He went to work. He went home and when home was too claustrophobic, he went to the park. He didn't speak to anyone he didn't have to.

The reality that Craig had been beaten up because of who and what John Paul was weighed heavily on his mind.

News of Craig's return and his injuries spread like wildfire throughout the small community. Most people were saying he deserved what he got after what he put Sarah through and felt no sympathy when he hobbled by.

John Paul's family knew Craig was back and assumed that John Paul had seen and spoken to him, but they hadn't been able to pin John Paul down long enough to talk to him about it. All of them were worried about the effect Craig being back was having on their boy.

"John Paul," Myra would corner him in his room, "How are you son?" she would query lightly, trying not to scare him away.

"Fine," was his only reply, always the same word, always in the same monotone voice.

"Come on son, talk to me?" She'd prod him, but at that he'd get up and leave.

All his sisters tried to approach him, tried various ways of getting him to open up, the softly softly approach, the hard as nails fighting approach and the bitchy approach, but all they ever got was the same monotone reply before he got up and walked away.

He spent hours trying to come up with an alternative explanation for what had happened to Craig. Did he really fall down the stairs? Maybe he was seeing some girl who was a bit too rough and pushed him down some stairs? Craig always had a knack of being a bit loud when he was drunk, saying the wrong thing to the wrong person, maybe he'd just pushed someone's buttons a bit too much? But each time John Paul thought he might have stumbled upon a plausible explanation, he could find no reason why Craig would be so mad at him and therefore, he always came back to the same conclusion and hated himself for what he'd done to the man of his dreams.

Lying along and cold in his room, he barely ate or slept as images of his battered and bruised love filled his mind. The tears started slowly, clouding his brilliant blue eyes and rolling slowly over the marble white of his cheeks, but his guilt soon overtook him and he shook with the force of his sobs.

John Paul knew he was entirely responsible for the pain Craig was currently in and nothing he said or did could ever erase that. Craig would never look at him with love again.

Craig quickly became suffocated being back at home. He loved his mum, he really did but her incessant need to make a fuss really annoyed him. She panicked at the slightest little thing, if he slept to long or didn't eat enough and going out was completely out of the question, unless he didn't tell her, but of course, that made her panic and worry more.

He snuck out often, just to escape and have some peace and quiet. The park was his favourite spot. It wasn't really the quietest place but he enjoyed watching the kids running around, enjoying their summer and trying to remember what it was like to be that young and carefree.

"Heard you were back," came a cold voice from behind him. "I never actually thought you would have the nerve to show your face around here."

Craig took a deep breath and turned, slowly, painfully to face the voice, the voice he would never forget. The voice belonged to the girl whose heart he broke.

"Hi Sarah, how are you?"

"Much better now you're out my life."

She looked at him with such venom that he could almost feel the look causing him physical pain.

"I'm glad you're doing well," he said with a sigh and as much of a smile he could muster, turning away from her, easing the stress on his sore shoulder. He was sorry for all the hurt he'd caused her and hoped she had moved on and was happy. Thinking back to that time less than a year ago when he'd broken her heart, he wished he could take it all back. He wished he'd never gotten involved with John Paul McQueen.

Sarah walked round to face him and Craig looked up at her and almost flinched when confronted with the force of her hatred.

"You're still mad at me?" he said, not turning away or hiding from her.

"Did you honestly expect me to forgive you?" she replied, the anger she felt evident in her voice.

"No," Craig replied honestly, finally turning away from Sarah as tears filled his eyes, "I just hoped you'd move on and be happy. You deserve that." He looked back up to his former girlfriend before continuing. "You deserve someone who will look after you and cherish you.

Sarah's cold and harsh exterior seemed to melt as Craig looked at her. She'd never been able to resist him, even after finding out what he'd done, she still wanted him and Craig could see in her eyes that if he wanted her now, she wouldn't say no. But too much had happened. He was a different man now and as much as he'd love to, he couldn't ever go back.

"What happened to you Craig?" she questioned quietly.

"I fell," he replied. He'd repeated the lie so many times he almost believed it and looking at Sarah now, he knew she bought it without question. She had always trusted and believed in him, she had no reason to suspect he was lying.

"How long are you back for?" she asked, sitting down beside him.

"I dunno, until the doctors say I can go back I guess."

"Your mum must be glad to have you back, she's really missed you."

"Yeah," Craig laughed, "She's been fussing like mad. Think she misses having someone to take care of, especially now the fostering thing has fallen apart."

"I guess this place isn't exactly a good environment for mixed up kids, too much weird shit happens."

"I know, but still, Mum and Jack are good parents, any kid would be lucky to have them."

"He seemed like a good kid, just a shame he got caught up in that drugs stuff with the Valentines."

"Yeah, Steph told me about that, can't believe someone was selling drugs around here. I never thought Sasha would do something like that."

"Started with Michaela and then just spiralled from there, although from what I've heard it was Niall who injected Michaela and started the whole thing off."

"Yeah, what was the deal with him? Steph was kinda vague, something about another kid they knew nothing about really messing with their minds?"

"Basically, Myra had a son when she was 14 and was forced to give him up, he came back to take revenge on the family that never wanted him."

"Fucking hell!" Craig exclaimed. "That is really scary!" All of Craig's pain and anger towards John Paul seemed to leave him in that second, he could only imagine what his friend had been through and wished he'd been there to help.

"Yeah, it was bonkers. Everyone loved him, he seemed so kind and just wanted to help, but apparently he beat up her mum, made everyone believe Michaela was a junkie, told everyone John Paul was sleeping with the priest who was living with them and …." Sarah stopped suddenly as Craig turned away at the sound of his ex-lovers name. "Dunno how but I forgot he'd be a sore point for you," she said, the venom in her voice returning with full force.

"It doesn't matter anymore," Craig replied quietly, looking at his feet.

"It doesn't matter?" Sarah asked, her voice rising steadily. Craig could tell all the pain and hurt he'd caused was returning as she spoke. "You broke my heart, you left me behind and it doesn't matter?"

Craig daren't lift his head and look at her. He knew the pain he'd caused and wished it hadn't happened, but how could he take it back now? How could he make it okay?

"Do you have any idea what I went through after you left?" she shouted. "I got back with Rhys, what a mistake that was, he was sleeping with his sister! Next was a lecturer from college who was married and screwed me around and all the time I was thinking that I deserved it because I drove you away. You couldn't love me, I begged you to take me back and you said no, so why would anyone else ever want me?" Sarah broke down as she yelled.

All eyes were on her as she shouted and screamed at her ex lover. She raised her hand and began to slap him, hitting his head over and over again. Craig raised his uninjured arm to cover his head and defend himself but it didn't do much to help. He couldn't get up and run and had no way to stop her, so he closed his eyes and let her attack, after all, he deserved this, nothing she'd said had been wrong. It was all his fault.

"I've been to hell and back and I was just doing okay before you showed up, but to you it doesn't matter? Why don't you just crawl back into the …."

"Why don't you just give him a break?"

Craig recognised the new voice instantly. The cause of all his problems and his saviour wrapped up in one.

Craig slowly opened his eyes and saw John Paul looking like an angel. The sunlight behind him was framing his figure so he almost seemed to glow. He was holding on to Sarah's arm as she struggled to break free, a look of shock on her face.

"You have no right to tell me what to do!" She spat at him as she finally wrenched her arm free. She looked from her former friend to her former lover before turning on her heel and leaving them be.

John Paul looked down at Craig with tears in his eyes.

"Did she really ask you to take her back?" he questioned quietly.

"Does it matter?" Craig replied, not meeting John Paul's eyes.

Craig had been angry with John Paul for so long and he was tired. He wanted to hate him, to blame him for everything that had happened but he was tired of fighting. He just wanted all the pain to stop. He didn't fight it as John Paul sat beside him and the two men sat in silence.

*****

The broken couple sat in silence for what felt like hours. Both seemed calm and content to sit quietly in each other's company. It was John Paul who finally broke the spell.

He was nervous before he spoke, unsure what Craig would say or do next. He didn't want to scare his friend but he wanted Craig to know that he was there for him.

"Craig," he started quietly, his words filled with caution and uncertainty. "What happened to you?" He didn't turn and look at Craig, he just stared straight ahead, watching the football match unfolding in front of them.

"Does it matter?" Craig replied.

"Yes," John Paul said, his voice projecting a strength he didn't feel.

"Why?" Craig asked, his voice low and quiet.

"How can you move past whatever happened if you won't talk about it?"

"I'm fine

"Do you really believe that?"

Craig was just silent.

"Craig, I understand you are mad at me, I'm guessing you blame me for what happened to you but if you don't talk about it, it'll never get any easier." John Paul's voice broke as he finished. He still wasn't looking at his friend; he didn't want to spook him.

"I was mad at you, mad at myself, mad at the world," Craig started, "but now I'm just tired," he said with a sigh. "I can't be bothered being angry or fighting anymore."

"Craig you can't give up!" John Paul said, turning to face his friend for the first time. "If you stop fighting, if you just give in, you let them win. Whoever did this to you, that is what they want. They want to beat you down and stop you fighting. If you give up they win and that isn't the Craig I remember."

Craig was still gazing out, watching the football match, but his gaze was unfocussed, like he was not really seeing the players in front of him.

"Its not easy to fight on your own," Craig said quietly.

"You are not on your own Craig," John Paul replied, sounding stronger than he felt.

"Yes I am, John Paul." Craig turned to face John Paul for the first time since they'd sat down together and John Paul saw the tears running down his friend's face. He saw the pain and hurt hidden in the velvety depths of his friend's eyes and realised what Craig meant.

"You're alone because I left you." He turned away as he replied

Neither man spoke for a few minutes. The silence was drowning them. John Paul didn't know what to say as he turned his attention back to the football in front of him.

"I'm sorry," he finally whispered.

"I get why you left, I really do," Craig replied. "I wasn't ready to be out and if you'd come with me we'd both have been in the closet, just in a new city and you couldn't live like that. But I needed you," he said simply. "I needed you to help me come to terms with who and what I was. But rather than help me, you left me alone." There was no anger or bitterness in Craig's voice as he spoke, just pain and sadness.

As John Paul looked at him, he could see Craig's detachment from life and knew he had to help his friend, his lover, his soul mate, reconnect with who he was, get the fight back and start to live again. The only way to do that was to make him deal with his pain. He just didn't know how he was going to do that. He turned away and focused on the match in front of him.

"I'm sorry I ran away," John Paul spoke up. "I was scared if you couldn't acknowledge me publicly, in a place where no-one knew us, you'd never be able to do it in a place where you were going to be trying to fit in and make new friends. I didn't want to live in secret anymore. I didn't want to end up resenting you for putting me back in the closet; I loved you too much for that to happen."

"I wanted to be out, to be open, I just needed time."

"I know, I just don't think we were ready to be out and open together. Maybe things would have been better if we'd come out sooner here, gotten used to being together in public in a place where people knew us, maybe things could have been different."

"Maybe, maybe not."

"So, you gonna tell me what happened Craig?" John Paul asked as he turned back to his friend.

Craig watched the players in front of him as one team scored and celebrated together. His eyes fixed on them until he turned suddenly and looked at John Paul, tears tumbling down his cheeks again, an empty look in his eyes.

"I got beat up." Craig's voice was low, it wasn't even a whisper, but John Paul had no trouble understanding him.

"Why," he asked, careful not to push too hard but not backing off either.

"Some drunks didn't like the fact I'd once been more than friends with another guy," Craig replied, still speaking in barely a whisper. "It was May 16th, I was in the pub I've been working in, just having a drink on my own. I was looking at some pictures on my phone. I've never been able to delete them."

Craig had turned back to the football match, almost like he was letting the flow and rhythm of the game almost hypnotise him, letting him remember the past without reliving the pain.

"These guys were over from Liverpool on a stag week. The pub had been their starting point all week, so I'd seen and served them a lot. I thought they were nice guys, pretty friendly and I had actually been having a laugh with them. That night when they came in I was sitting in a corner on my own. I'd been there for a few hours and was pretty drunk. I was mucking about with my phone, looking at pictures, typing text messages, deleting them, hitting your number to phone you, then hanging up before I got connected."

John Paul didn't interrupt, he just let Craig speak. This was something he needed to get off his chest and John Paul was ready to listen.

"They came and sat around me and made a joke outta me being a depressed drunk. They nicked my phone and started mucking about with it. They saw the pictures of us together, read some old text messages we'd sent each other and put two and two together. They started making fun of me being gay and then got pissed off cause I'd been chatting to them all week about girls and stuff. I tried to tell them I wasn't gay, I'd just fallen in love with someone who happened to be a guy but they didn't let me get a word in."

Craig paused as the players in front of him stopped. One of them had been knocked down and the two teams were currently arguing over whether it was a foul. As the ref broke up the fight he continued.

"They started getting really vocal and the whole pub could hear them. I hadn't told anyone about us so all the guys I worked with were a bit shocked, but they eventually told the guys to calm down. The guys made a fuss of getting up and accidentally on purpose knocking over the table and chairs around us, breaking some glasses and spilling drinks as they left the pub, all the while laughing and calling me names. I just wanted to hide under the table."

He paused again briefly, rubbing his injured shoulder.

"I apologised to the staff for causing the problems and they started to ask questions, why hadn't I told them and stuff so I just made an excuse and left. I was only a street away when I heard their voices shouting after me. I didn't turn round, I just kept walking. They caught up to me and started pushing me around. Asking why I didn't turn when they shouted, was I too good for them? Did I not fancy them? Would I say no if given the chance?"

Craig turned suddenly to look John Paul right in the eye.

"I took a lot of stick around here before I left for Dublin, but it was all worth it while I had you beside me. But somehow, until that moment, I hadn't realised what it must have been like for you when you first came out. All the things these guys were saying and doing, what Sonny and I did to you when you came out." Craig stopped for a minute, looking at John Paul with sorrow and regret, "I didn't realise how much it hurt until it happened to me."

Craig looked away again. John Paul knew Craig so well, he knew what each movement and look meant and he knew that whatever happened next, Craig was embarrassed or ashamed about it.

"They had me down on the ground, kicking the shit outta me. I felt my wrist snap and my shoulder pop out, but after that it was all just a blur. I didn't do anything, I didn't fight back, and I didn't scream or shout, I just took it. The quieter I was the harder they kicked. They took a photo of us outta my wallet and started rubbing it in my face. Asking if … if…" Craig stopped as the tears flowed freely.

John Paul looked at him and could imagine what his tormentors had said to him. He put his arms around his friend, careful of his injuries, and held Craig as he sobbed into John Paul's arms.

*****

The boys sat in silence and watched as the football match finished 

The boys sat in silence and watched as the football match finished. The only movement was the soothing motion of John Paul's hand, comfortingly running up and down Craig's back. Craig felt calm and safe with John Paul and although he knew that a part of him would always attribute the attack to his relationship with John Paul, he also knew that he was still in love with the bright eyed boy sitting beside him. The only questions now were where they would go from here and would they ever get back the trust they'd once had?

Before he met John Paul Craig had had his life all planned out. He would go to uni at Trinity. Get his degree. Start a business and become a millionaire by the time he was thirty. He would be able to take care of his family and he would marry some gorgeous model who would give up work to stay home and spend time with him. She wouldn't need to work because he'd be making a fortune for doing very little work and they wouldn't need anyone else because they had each other. They'd have a couple of kids and they'd have the best of everything and parents who loved them. Their childhood would be so different from Craig's; they would be happy and successful and have a great life.

Now here he was, sitting in the park in Hollyoaks, beaten and broken and having failed his first year at uni. He'd missed his exams because he'd been in hospital. He could re-sit them in August but he wasn't sure if he'd be well enough to travel back to Dublin. There was still the possibility that the break in his ankle wouldn't heal without an operation, but they wouldn't know until the cast came off. His future had never seemed more uncertain.

He couldn't imagine getting married and settling down now. The idea of living a life with someone like Sarah and without someone like John Paul there for him everyday was a scary thought. So with the basis of his life plan now in ruins, he had no idea how to pick it up and start again. Talking to John Paul and sharing his hopes and dreams and fears had always been so easy but now, as they sat together, with the sun beating down on them, Craig had no idea how to tell John Paul all the errant thoughts that were running through his head and that was the thought that scared him most.

He'd been so angry with John Paul for so long, blaming the younger man for all the problems he'd had in the last eighteen months. If John Paul had been straight or female then he'd never have had to deal with uncertainty over his sexuality. That final week, when he'd been forced to admit that he loved John Paul, there was part of him, somewhere in the back of his mind, which resented John Paul for making him become an outcast to his friends and family. Yet John Paul had also been his only comfort back then – strong and steadfast, standing beside him. But then he'd left, and Craig's life had fallen into tatters."

He lived his life in Dublin but he was always angry at his one time lover. Angry for making him fall in love, making him come out, making him become disconnected from his family and making him face life alone. He was just going through the motions with none of the care or passion he'd once had. It hadn't been until he was sitting at home, alone at Christmas, that he faced the fact that although he was angry, he still loved John Paul. He knew if the blond-haired blue-eyed DJ walked back into his life, he'd accept him, no questions asked. He'd sent John Paul a text, hoping to reach out, to rekindle at least their friendship, maybe one day more, but John Paul hadn't replied.

After that, Craig stopped caring about everyone and everything, until the day he got beaten up.

From that point on, every time he closed his eyes he could hear the taunts of his tormentors. He would see them rubbing a picture of John Paul in his face as they kicked him and asked him if they were turning him on. The taunts had been haunting him for weeks, eating away at his heart and his head, leaving him wondering if a day would ever come when he didn't see and hear them every second of every day and he blamed John Paul for the fear he'd felt that night and every day since.

But as he sat in the sun that afternoon, watching the football match unfold in front of him, telling his story to John Paul, he remembered how he'd look at John Paul when the younger man first came out. He remembered what he'd said and done to the man who had reached out to him in friendship, only to have it thrown back in his face.

It was in that moment that Craig realised that he couldn't blame John Paul for what happened. John Paul had not only forgiven Craig for tormenting him, but had loved him unconditionally. John Paul had put up with Craig's lying and cheating and hiding and loved him regardless. How could Craig now hate him for the insane actions of a few drunks?

Craig winced as he moved closer to John Paul, feeling something scratching along the base of his back, but he paid no attention as he let himself become completely enveloped in John Paul's arms.

John Paul had never had a plan for his life. For a long time it was hard to know what life was going to throw at him from one day to the next. He'd been the man of the house for most of his life. Even though he was the second youngest of seven children, as the only guy he'd taken the responsibility to look after his mum and sisters from a very early age. He was happy when they made it from day to day with no major disasters. If Jacqui could stay out of trouble or Michaela didn't come home drunk, then that was a good day. John Paul had never thought about his future because his future was laid out for him; he would look after his family, by any means necessary.

That was his future, his life, until Craig came along.

John Paul never imagined that he could love anyone and want to protect them more than he did his family. The idea of falling in love and living happily ever after was not part of his reality. He'd seen him mum fall in love so many times, just to have some guy trample all over her heart. He'd never really seen a happy, healthy relationship before and did not see that as part of his future. He'd always been a loner, partly because the reputation of his family usually preceded him and partly because he found most people around his age to be quite immature.

When he'd met Craig, he'd felt sorry for the older lad. John Paul had known him by reputation only. From what he'd heard Craig had had a hard time over the past year, resulting in him failing his exams and returning to school to re-sit them. He was being bullied for something his brother did and didn't seem able to stand up for himself.

John Paul hadn't meant to get involved with Craig, he just hated bullies and it felt good to help stop guys like Sonny from winning. As a by-product of stopping Sonny, he'd gained a friendship with Craig. The more he'd talked to Craig, the more he realised that Craig wasn't like the other guys their age. There was a maturity about him that belied his years whilst he still managed to be a fun loving teenager. John Paul found he liked Craig and trusted him quickly. He'd had friends before, but never someone he would call a best friend. Never someone he would love and trust unconditionally.

That was how it started. Now, less than two years after they'd met, they'd been through so much, both together and apart, and John Paul knew he would walk through fire for Craig. He finally understood what it meant to be in love and he finally had a plan for his life…to be with Craig, no matter what. He just hoped that maybe they could avoid hurting each other this time. 

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